Hilarious. Inspirational. Genius. Here Are 100 Michael Scott Quotes

The Office is a magical show with a bunch of hilarious characters. But no one is more hilarious than Michael Scott.

To celebrate him, we’ve gathered 101 genius Michael Scott quotes to use in ANY situation.

If you want to learn more about making films in general, you can head over to our article on filmmaking.

101 genius Michael Scott quotes

Michael Scott's hilarious quotes

1. “Sometimes I’ll start a sentence, and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.”

2. “You all took a life here today. You did. The life of the party.”

3. “It takes you thirty seconds to brush your teeth? Wow, that’s ten times as long as it takes me.”

4. “I know it’s illegal in Pennsylvania, but it’s for charity, and I consider myself a great philanderer.”

5. “I don’t come up with this stuff, I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest the guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.”

6. Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. So he’s not really a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced, so he’s not really a part of his family.”

7. “It’s a good thing Russia doesn’t exist anymore.”

8. “It’s simply beyond words. It’s incalculable.”

9. “When I discovered YouTube, I didn’t work for five days.”

10. “Friends joke with one another. Hey, you’re poor. Hey, your momma’s dead. That’s what friends do.”

11. “When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country! Ok?”

12. “I’ve got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.”

13. “Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did…”

14. “There’s no such thing as an appropriate joke. That’s why it’s called a joke.”

15. “Hi, I’m Date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning?”

16. “I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday.”

17. “Sometimes I’ll start a sentence, and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.”

18. "Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information.”

19. “I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible.”

20. “This morning I saw a YouTube video with a puppy riding a motorcycle. So my bar for stunning is pretty high.”

21. “Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work.”

22. “I learned a while back, that if I don’t text 911 people will not return my calls. Um, but now people always return my calls because, they think that something horrible, has happened.”

23. “Here it is, the heart of New York City, Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you’re in it.”

24. “I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don’t have a butler, I do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill and I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon.”

25. I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.”

26. “Tell him to call me ASAP as possible.”

27. “There were these huge bins of clothes and everybody was rifling through them like crazy. And I grabbed one and it fit! So I don’t think that this is totally just a woman’s suit. At the very least it’s bisexual.”

28. “I don’t understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn’t even work here.”

29. “You are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real.”

30. “It’s never too early for ice cream.”

31. “It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don’t expect everyone to understand.”

32. “I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?”

33. “It’s not like booze ever killed anyone.”

34. “They’re trying to make me an escape goat.”

35. “Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.”

Michael Scott's love quotes (write the quote)

35. “Well, it’s love at first sight. Actually, it was, no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.”

36. “I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate… no. But, I live by another rule: Just do it - Nike.”

37. “No question about it, I am ready to get hurt again.”

38. “Hate to see you leave, but love to watch you go. ‘Cause of your butt.”

39. "Holly and I are dating. It’s been a week, and I still can’t believe it."

40. “This is where I fell in love with you, and this is where I ask you to marry me.”

41. "Oh, tonight's no good. Because I am busy taking you out."

42. "I'm in love! I was hit by Cupid's sparrow."

43. "Maybe I’m crazy in love. So without further ado, Carol? Carol Stills. I would like you to do me the honor of making me your husband."

44.“Well, it’s love at first sight. Actually, it was, no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.”

45. “Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable.”

46. “Love is the water of life, drink deeply.”

47. "I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I am going to tell her."

48. "My resolution? I never want to make Holly cry again. Unless it's from laughing too hard"

49. “If you break that girl’s heart, I will kill you. That’s just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl’s heart, I will literally kill you and your entire family.”

50. “You cheated on me? When I specifically asked you not to?”

51. “Make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order.

52. "This is an old adage, but they say when you find true love, you know within the first 24 hours. With Carol, I knew within the first 24 minutes of the second day I met her."

Michael Scott Christmas quotes (write the quote)

53.  "A, that's what she said, and, B, I wanted it to be impressive. The biggest day of the year deserves the biggest tree of the year."

54. "If this were Russia, yeah sure. Everyone would go to one Santa, and there would be a line around the block and once you sat on her lap and she’d ask you what you wanted, you would say probably “freedom.” At which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia."

55. "This is going to be the best Christmas ever. My girlfriend Carol is coming to our party tonight, and I have a little surprise for her. I’ve got two tickets to paradise! Pack your bags, we’re leaving the day-after-tomorrow! Um, taking her to Sandals, Jamaica, all-inclusive. All-inclusive. You know what that means? Right? Yeah."

56. "There she is. A Christmas Carol. You’re about five hours early to the party. You’re such a blonde."

57. "That is my Christmas card. It’s a picture of you and me and your kids on a ski trip, having a blast."

58. "Heeeere’s Santa! Hey little girl, what would you like for Christmas? Ooh, you have been a very naughty girl, I see."

59. "It’s insane! A woman Santa, where does it stop? No! Jim, this may be the last Christmas that we have here, doesn’t it make you a tiny bit anxious, me NOT playing Santa? Come on!"

60. "Oh! I am so sorry that Phyllis hates you. And hates your body. But, Santa remembers a reindeer that was just a tiny bit different as well."

61. "One person chooses a gift. The next person can either choose a gift or steal that person's gift. If your gift gets stolen, then you can steal someone else's gift or choose a new gift."

61. "Christmas is canceled."

62. "Jim, take New Year away from Stanley."

63. "Everyone would go to one Santa, and…once you sat on her lap and she'd ask you what you wanted, you would say probably 'freedom'."

64. "That makes sense because he has elfish features."

65. "You know what, Christmas isn't about Santa or Jesus. It's about the workplace. All of you feel like my family."

66. “Everyone wants the iPod. It’s a huge hit. Almost a Christmas miracle.”

67. "Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Kevin. And we are going to sell that to charity. That's what Christmas is all about."

68. “Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone’s ever done for these people and they freak-out. Well happy birthday Jesus, sorry your party’s so lame.”

69. “Uh oh. Looks like Santa was a little naughty.”

70. “I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candy Pams. And perhaps some Pam chops…with mint.”

71. “The name is Bond… Santa Bond. I’ll have an eggnog, shaken not stirred.”

72. "St. Patrick’s Day is the closest thing the Irish have to Christmas.”

73. “Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It’s like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, Hey, man, I love you this many dollars worth.”

74. “Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What’s better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents.”

75. “This is Christmas spirit, as in spirits, booze.”

76. ”Guess who I am sitting here dressed as. I will give you a hint: His last name is Christ; He has the power of flight and can heal leopards.”

Michael Scott's inspirational quotes  

77. “The only time I set the bar low is for limbo. Always keep the bar raised no matter what.”

78. “Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney, because grief isn’t wrong. There’s such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.”

79. “Hate is the most useless of all emotions. Success is the best revenge.”

80. “Abraham Lincoln once said that, ‘If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North.’ And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.”

81. “You should never settle for who you are. Always go for better if it exists. Sometimes this is all there is to improve yourself.”

82. “An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to… An office is a place where dreams come true.”

83. “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. - Wayne Gretzky” - Michael Scott

84. "I am Beyoncé, always."

85. “You know, sometimes to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star, incredibly far away. And our problems don’t matter to him because we’re just a distant point of light.”

86. “My philosophy is, basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don’t, ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or, or where you’ve been. Ever. For any reason. Whatsoever.”

87. “Saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can’t say, but yes.”

88. “You should never settle for who you are.”

89. “The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money.”

90.  “I am running away from my responsibilities, and it feels good.”

91. “I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.”

92. “Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don’t know if you guys know about it, but basically, you make someone think the opposite of what you believe. And that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.”

93. “People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy.”

94. “Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that’s always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing.”

95. “We do not always get what we want. Sometimes life presents us with surprises.”

96. "I guess I’ve been working so hard, I forgot what it’s like to be hardly working.”

97. “You may look around and see two groups here: white-collar, blue-collar. But I don’t see it that way, and you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.”

98. “May your hats fly as high as your dreams.”

99. “Good managers don’t fire. They hire and inspire.”

100.  “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”

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